When 26-year-old Elisa* started dating her boyfriend James*, she was excited to have met someone who seemed so well-suited to her. They shared a similar taste in music, books and films, and he was well-dressed, witty and bore a passing resemblance to her celebrity crush, Timothée Chalamet. He also seemed supportive of her bisexuality, asking her many questions about it.
However, as time went on, things between them started to change. First, he told her he was uncomfortable with her spending time in queer activist circles, although that was a place where she had found a sense of community and purpose. Then he accused her of fancying her platonic female friends, starting jealous rows when she wanted to spend time with them.
Towards the end of their relationship, he called her sexual orientation repulsive and took naked pictures of her without her consent, claiming he would leak them on the internet if she cheated. Eventually, he started threatening to kill her.
Elisa isn't alone. Numerous pieces of research have found that bisexual women are more likely to experience intimate partner violence than either straight or gay women. They're also nearly five times as likely to have experienced sexual assault by a partner or ex-partner than their heterosexual counterparts.
Elisa managed to get out of her relationship with James. But she was reminded of her experience recently when reading about Angelina Jolie, the latest openly bisexual celebrity to be in the press for alleging partner abuse.
A leaked report claimed that while on a private plane ride, Brad Pitt, Jolie’s then-husband, had grabbed her, shaken her shoulders, and shouted: “You’re f***ing up this family.”
Following the news, US entertainment website TMZ dismissed Jolie as “trying to run Brad Pitt's name through the mud.” The public opinion seemed to reflect this scepticism, with one Twitter user describing her as a: “Another Amber Heard and another home wrecker can’t move on.”
Another ‘out’ bisexual celebrity, Evan Rachel Wood has recently faced a similar backlash after her accusations that ex-partner Marilyn Mason “horrifically abused” her reached the headlines again.
Since Manson moved to sue the Westworld star following the outcome of the Heard-Depp trial, the hashtag #JusticeForMarilynManson has received 1.5 million views, while #IStandWithMarilynManson received 3.3 million. Meanwhile, a recent Twitter post about Wood read: “She's arrogant, haughty, deceptive, manipulative, and seems to hold onto a lot of hate…a lying, toxic feminist.”
Elisa finds it painful to see this kind of derogatory attitude towards survivors in the public and press.
“It’s ironic bi women are being labelled as untrustworthy,” she says, “given that these kinds of attitudes towards bi women are likely what makes us so vulnerable to this kind of violence in the first place.”
Lois Shearing, the founder of Bi Survivors Network, a support and awareness-raising resource set up to support bisexuals in the aftermath of abuse, concurs. Shearing, who set up the organisation after experiencing intimate partner violence herself, says various factors contribute to the high rates of partner abuse that bisexual women experience. Of these, the negative tropes and stereotypes faced by bisexual women are towards the top of the list.
“One misconception bi women face is the idea that you can’t trust us to be faithful because we’re fetishized as being insatiable. This then fuels abusive partners’ jealous, controlling, possessive and violent tendencies,” she says.
However, none of these stereotypes is based in fact, with a landmark study showing bisexual people are perfectly capable of having monogamous relationships (or mutually agreeing on polyamorous ones, should that be their preference).
Shearing tells me she feels the current conversation around bisexual celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Evan Rachel Wood can be incredibly damaging, creating an environment where bisexual women, who may be survivors, are portrayed as jokes and monsters.
Leni Morris, CEO of Galop, the UK’s only LGBTQ+ specific abuse charity, agrees:
“Seeing the vitriol with which bisexual celebrities are treated by both the public and press will definitely be having an impact on how safe victims and survivors feel coming forward to seek support’ she says.
This is compounded by the fact that LGBT+ people are already unlikely to access outside help when they experience this kind of abuse. Current studies estimate that 60% to 80% have never reported such incidents to the police or attempted to find advice or protection from services, which Morris believes is partly due to the risk of facing additional stigma and prejudice.
She tells GLAMOUR about bisexual women in abusive ‘straight passing’ relationships with men who have entered domestic violence refuges and experienced issues related to their sexuality. Those who have chosen to reveal they are bi, she says, can be treated with high levels of hostility by the other women there. And, if they have been assumed to be heterosexual and it later comes out that they are not, then they can be accused of having deceived people.
“The problem with this,” Morris says, “is that it can lead bisexual women to hold back on detailing the specific nature of the abuse they experienced, which can stop them from accessing the help and support they need.”
This was the case for Elisa, who never went to the police about her experiences nor sought support from organisations like Galop and Bisexual Survivors Network.
I asked her what would have helped her to come forward. “I think I had quite a lot of existing shame tied to my bisexuality which my abuser really played on and which, to be honest, has been exacerbated by the current media coverage and public perception of bi survivors in the media.
"If I’d known I could speak to someone about this without having to hide the huge role my bisexuality played in the abuse, I think it would have really helped.”
*Names have been changed to preserve anonymity.
Bisexual survivors and victims of domestic violence can seek support through Galop’s domestic violence on helpline on 0800 999 5428.
Bisexual Survivors Network also offers support, solidarity and community to one another through bi-weekly virtual chats on Telegram.
